So what happens when you have something negative to say? Let’s face it, being in a relationship is a lot of work.  In order to make it rewarding and satisfying, you have to speak up when something is bothering you.  Things aren’t always perfect and happy; there will be fighting and arguing at times.  But there is a right way to fight, and it involves fighting fairly.  First of all, if something is bothering you, don’t just blurt out a criticism.  Think about the various ways you could tell your partner.  The way you word a complaint or concern can make a big difference.  It is helpful to avoid "YOU" statements as much as possible.  Try instead to focus on using "I" statements that reflect the way you feel.  Using "YOU" statements tends to make the other person feel as if all the blame is on them. Here is an example of what I mean to show you the difference between the two. 

"You" Statement: “ You go too fast and never want to have foreplay when we have sex.” 

"I"  Statement: “ I feel like we might enjoy taking our time more and incorporating more foreplay into our sex life. What do you think?” 

So to explain what the difference is in each statement, in the first sentence, the word "you" focuses the blame on the other person, but it also involves "mind reading". 

"Mind Reading"  is what you do when you assume you know how someone else feels or thinks. Making assumptions can make problems worse by upsetting your partner and causing more fighting. 

The second sentence focuses on the way you feel by using '"I" language and incorporates an open-ended question.  Which are questions that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no.  These types of questions that require more thought and talking to answer.  This is a useful way of prompting your partner to give you feedback.

Another effective technique for communication is documenting. 

Documenting is when you give concrete examples of what you are talking about. Using the previous example, your partner might say, “I felt that last night when we had sex we went rather fast and didn’t incorporate much foreplay.  I feel like we might enjoy moving more slowly and using more foreplay. What do you think?”. Documenting adds a concrete example to help demonstrate what your partner is trying to say. 

 

The most important goal for good communication is to have your intent match your impact.  Intent is what you actually mean, the point you want to get across when you talk.  Impact is what the person you're talking to thinks you mean.  Sometimes you know exactly what you want to say, but it doesn’t come out right.  Other people may not understand what you are trying to say.  The best way to get your message across is to say it honestly and clearly, and to think about where, when, and how best to say it. The goal of communicating about problems is to make a situation better, not to make things worse.

   

 
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