In this day and age we often hear people expressing their great excitement at the prospect of creating a healthy, alive, loving intimate relationship. With all the enthusiasm and sincerity we begin to proclaim, ''I am willing to do ANYTHING it takes to have a great relationship!'' We speak affectionately of our visions of close, happy, loving moments with that one special partner, sharing all aspects of themselves and their lives with their true soul mate. And then we begin to embark on that most intimate of journeys, the journey of love, which always starts within ourselves.
When we search for genuine intimate connections with another, sooner or later we come face-to-face with who we really are. We can hide from ourselves, our friends, our families and even our therapists and spiritual teachers, but ultimately we cannot hide from the One that we share intimate space with. This is a great blessing (which often feels like a curse!) because it helps us to grow in ways we would never choose to do on our own. All of us have parts that would rather stay in their shells and hide. So when the magic of love penetrates the soft underbelly beneath our defenses, we may feel incredibly alive, but also vulnerable and exposed in ways we have not let ourselves feel for a very long time. This can feel exhilarating, yet also terrifying and stir a lot of overwhelming emotions within ourselves..
These experiences of feeling scared or even terrified and overwhelmed are not what our egos had in mind when we set out to experience a wonderful loving relationship. These are the moments that we may feel lost and confused in sometimes tremendous waves of emotions.
When we are scared like this, what is the choice for love? Those thoughts are followed with our Self-defense or self-protection mechanism. And this shell can seem like a pretty loving choice at these times of overwhelming emotional overloads..
If we have not learned how to create a safe, sacred space to express and work through these feelings, fear wins out, and we automatically don our masks of fear, and fall back into our shells..
And when our masks of fear appear when we are in relationship, our partner is often angry or confused. Don't you love me anymore? What about our dreams? What about last week? Why can't I reach you anymore? And then out of self-protection, THEIR masks of fear will emerge, creating a distant relationship where true connection is impossible.
Instead of dealing directly with our fears, we act them
out indirectly. We shut down like a turtle pulling in its head. We
put on several layers of new armor. If we're single, suddenly we are too
busy to date; if we're in a relationship, we're too busy for our partner.
After months of flexible schedules, we now have to work overtime four days a
week. Or we find ourselves getting angry, annoyed, frustrated with the
slightest inconvenience. Or we erupt with anger and frustration, surprised
at the strength of our feelings. Or we find ourselves turning to old ways
of numbing, be it food, alcohol or drugs, a new lover, computers, work or any
other way which keeps us out of touch with what is really going on in our hearts
and guts.
The masks
of fear become so transparent that we can also quickly slip into blame.
I did say I would do ANYTHING to make
this work but that certainly didn't mean hanging out in fear, insecurity,
sadness, anger or despair. That wasn't part of the deal at all.
My life is about happiness, love, unrestrained pure love pouring out
of my heart. YOU must be bringing this energy into my life!
These are the moments that make or break a relationship. If we are unable or unwilling to take off our masks and tell ourselves and our partners what is really going on, your relationship will come to a stand still and or even end. We can blame it all on our partners' shortcomings and perhaps even feel sorry for them and all of their problems. We can smugly walk away and remind ourselves that there really aren't many people as together as we are, and perhaps loneliness is the price we must pay for being so incomparable. Or you can choose to love instead of fear, responsibility over being a victim, and humility and truth over ego and misinterpretation, a wonderful opportunity for healing ourselves as well as our relationship can occur.
When we truly feel safe enough to allow our most vulnerable feelings to be shared, miracles can happen. Walls can come tumbling down and years of pain can be released.
What masks of fear are you wearing today, that are keeping you more distant and less connected to those in your life? Are you choosing fear or love with yourself and with your partner? By creating and attracting into your life enough resources to help you feel safe, you can start to take those masks off. Learn to ask for what you need, and how you need it. Trust your own intuition and connection within yourself and if you and decide if that special someone or soul mate, is capable of providing the safety you need.
In consciously choosing love over our personal masks of fear, we truly honor the deepest meaning of our intimate connections and fulfill their highest potential. By your willingness to navigate the dark, shadowy pieces of our personal unfinished business, we invite our partner to do the same and ultimately allow a greater vision of love, intimacy and harmony to be revealed in our lives.
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