Talking Things Out

Talking Things Out

Communication is extremely important in a relationship, unfortunately many people do not have good communication skills. It is often hard to express our feelings, needs, and desires to our partner. When we disclose personal information, we are putting ourselves in a vulnerable position and we risk rejection. It is also difficult to talk about sexual matters because most of us are taught as children that sex is a taboo topic. Many people get uncomfortable at the mere mention of sex and most people lack a comfortable sexual vocabulary. It is normal to have some concerns and problems with communicating effectively with a close partner. However, it is very important for couples to practice and learn good communication skills, since ineffective communication can significantly decrease satisfaction in a relationship and lead to the feelings of being unfulfilled as a partner..

Destructive Communication Habits

There are a few destructive communication habits that couples should try to avoid. These include behaviors such as being Defensive, withdrawing, criticizing, and intentionally insulting your partner.

Defensiveness: Consists of making excuses for your actions rather than being willing to discuss the problems your actions cause for others.

Withdrawing: Is also common when a person ignores their partner's feelings by walking away or refusing to talk about problems.

Criticism: Is putting all the blame on the other person and can be overdone by using too many ‘YOU’ statements, such as “you never do this” or "you always think you’re right". Words like “always” and “never” are especially hurtful to use because they are so extreme and criticize the person’s whole personality and all their actions rather than focusing on the exact problem or situation that bothers you.

Sometimes, when couples are upset with each other, they say things that intentionally hurt the other person, things that aren’t necessary. Such insults are very destructive. All these actions take away from good communicating and create negative emotions that undermine the love in a relationship.

Good Communication Habits

So what are the best habits to have when communicating?

Honesty is the best policy.
If you are always honest, your partner will learn that you are a person of your word and a person who can be trusted. Trust isn’t something that just happens, trust is formed over time through honest interactions with another person. Self-disclosure can help establish trust. Self-disclosure involves you telling another person personal things about yourself. Through disclosing personal information and getting to know each other better, you can learn to trust each other and grow closer as a couple. Some studies have shown that couples that disclose more about themselves have more satisfying relationships. If you are having trouble getting your partner to talk about themselves, you can set a good example. Once you start self-disclosing and sharing your own personal stories, the chances are that they will follow in your footsteps.

Here is what you will need for this exercise you will need a quite comfortable place to talk uninterrupted. From there all you will need is 100% honesty and open mindedness. What you want to do is each other take a turn at telling the other person one thing at a time of how much you appreciate them. Try not to say the same thing that your partner does. My partner and I have done this exercise before and we went on for about and hour continuously. It was amazing how we both felt after that hour.
Now you might want to include some statements like this:

I appreciate you (Start every thought off with this statement)

For the things that you do for me (explain what it is that they do)
For your Sexuality
For your Sensuality
For your honesty
For your Strength
For being a great parent
For the way that you love me
For their beautiful smile

Now these are just a few examples there are many many more. These are a few to get you started. Have fun with this. And its ok to get emotional when you both do this. This just reinforces how much that you mean to each other.

Now the second part to this exercise is to tell each other what things that you thought your partner might have said about you and did not. Remember be honest about your feelings. This is a great starting block to really getting to know each other and really appreciate how much you really mean to one another.

We as a society show that we like people better when we associate them with their giving us positive attention. Positive statements can also help in the bedroom. If you especially like a certain thing your partner does, say something positive about it. For example, you can say "I really like it when you do it like that", or "It felt really good when you did it that way". Your words can help your partner learn the sexual techniques you like. Look at is like this if you as a couple were to express five times more positive comments than negative ones, that is, five positive comments for every one negative comment, you will be more happier and more satisfied. So positive statements really do make a difference.

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